One day at a time?

I am trying to understand what people are suggesting to me during my "grieving" process, but some of them I still just cant get ahold of. Like, "Dont worry, you will be fine in time". or,  "At least you have your girls still", or this is my favorite one...."Pretty soon, it will be a distant memory"...yea, someone actually said that to me, I will not reveal who, because I want to assume this person was under the influence of crack, crystal meth or even heroine when they said, why else would someone suggest that to me?

I dont want to sound mean or ungrateful, because I truly believe that some people (probably alot of people) dont know what to say to someone who has lost a child.........I know I didnt. I do know, unfortunately.  The best advice anyone has said to me yet is my Aunt Meg; she said this to me about 3-4 days after Jaxon died, she said "Tara, you know what the only good thing about grief is?" I said  what? She said, " You cant screw it up"!!!!!!!! She is right, there is no wrong way to grieve, whatever you feel the best way to grieve is the way you should do it. Thats the beauty of it, if there is such a monster.

So basically, I am taking it one day at a time, one minute at a time, one second at time, all of it!!!!!!!!!!! I dont know what I feel from one minute to the next......I feel like my emotions are a roller coaster, literally. I thought PMS was bad?? Shit!!! That is basically a walk in the park..............

until we meet again........................

Shock!!!

I can still hear the words like it was yesterday, " Mrs. Ball, Im sorry to tell you, but your son didn't make it". I cannot express the pain that shot thru my heart as I was hitting the floor in the family waiting room at 2:48pm on April 13, 2011.
 It was a normal day for me and my family. It started at 5:25am, ( a lil early, but okay). Jaxon got up first, like he always did, but I didnt care, I liked being up with him by myself, it gave us a chance to be by ourselves for a little bit before the other ones got up!! :) Like I said, normal morning, he got up, i got him a bottle (which I was so desperately trying to get him off of, but was failing on.....hindsite is 20/20), and he watched cartoons, yo gabba gabba to be exact, until I was done putting my "face" on. I take back the normal statement. It was a lil crazy that morning, I was running a little behind, but nothing catastrophic in my eyes.
Sorry to be rambling......I then got ready for work and kissed everyone goodbye. I just didnt realize that it would be the last time I would kiss him goodbye.

After I got back from lunch......I got a call from Jon stating that he had quit breathing and that they took him to Beach General. (before he began talking to tell me about what exactly happened, it was like everything was in slow motion, like charlie brown)  I am assuming that he said to me that he had gone down for his nap at 9:15 and he checked on him at noon (he was such a great nap taker, so 3-4 hours was very normal for him) and then he went to wake him at 2,  his lips and fingertips were blue. CPR was performed but nothing was accomplished at this point, so thats why they took him by ambulance.  I could not get there fast enough, like I said, it was like everything was going in slow motion or even pause at this moment in my life. I needed to get to my baby, I dont know if I knew deep down that he wasnt going to make it, or if it was just for the simple fact of being there for him....either way, I could not hurry up fast enough!!!!!!!!!!

This is when it began to fast forward......they told me about 10 mins after getting there that he didnt make it. I had to hear that my 18 month old son died by myself. Jon arrived shortly after, and then we were allowed to see him.  OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!......................... that is all I can say about that.

Then came the detective, thank god she was empathetic, for her sake. I was not in the mood, to say the least to talk to anyone, I wanted to hold my son forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We got to hold him (for what seemed like only 5 minutes) and got a lock of his hair, and then it was goodbye........

Ya know the crazy thing that I am grateful for through this whole horrible process? Shock. The human body is so amazing that it puts your brain and body into shock because it knows that you couldnt possibly handle that much hurt at one time, or your heart broken that severe. What a blessing!!!!! If it werent for that, I would not be writing this blog right now, because where I would be, they wouldnt allow any sharp objects for me to have.

Alot of crying, anger, sadness, grief, guilt, regret and every single emotion one can think of has gone through me and my husbands heart since that day. More for my husband because he was there and he felt like was supposed to save him somehow...and the helpless part is, I cant fix that for him, only he can do that for himself in time.  And I am sure it will be that way for days and months, oh hell, who am I kidding, for years,!!!!!!

But to be honest, I look at my girls everyday and I  thank god I still have them. They are what get me out of bed each and every morning since that horrible afternoon almost 4 weeks ago. Not that they didnt give me reason before, but I think I took for granted that I would always have them by my side. Boy was I mistaken. We are all borrowed on this earth.....

If this blog has taught you anything about life, please let it be this; Cherish your life, your husband,wife, significant other, children, family, friends and loved ones. NOONE IS PROMISED TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Until we meet again.........................


ps....until we meet again doodlebug, mommy loves you!!!!!!!!!!

When u love someone too much..............

I have always been the type of person that when I love, I love HARD!!! And that doesnt always create happiness!! I need to learn that u cant fix everyone or everything in your life (or even your spouses' for that matter) I tried to do something for my husband and it backfired!!! I was only trying to help, but it did the complete opposite than what I was aiming for.  I have never felt more helpless in my whole life. I just dont know how to love "a little", ya know? But when u have a man in your life that is completely unemotional about some things, it makes it hard not to want to change the situation and help him, right?   WRONG!!!!!!!!! Definately wrong. For all of you out there who are attempting to do something for someone u love..............really think about it before doing. Trust me!!!

until we meet again.....................

Watch what u say!!!

I know that I am a "mommy", so why cant I watch my mouth around my kids?? I am trying soo hard to, but i slip up alot!! Im not proud of it, but its just something that I cant resist!! This morning I heard my three year old Haiden tell her sister that she was being a "dick" and that she wasnt gonna play with her anymore!! I laughed sooo hard I could barely stand it, but they didnt see me laughing. I didnt want her to think that was  nice word to say. Now, this isnt a word I use often, but I guess they heard me the few times I said it (im assuming).  If I remember correctly, I called Jonathan a dick in an argument that i swore they didnt hear. BOY., WAS I WRONG!!! lol.   Punishment was I let Haiden smack my hand and I went to time out for 5 minutes. Then I proceeded to tell her that it was a very ugly word and mommy wont ever use it again!!! Well..............i will try at least not to. Im not perfect in any way, shape or form, but I can watch what I say!!! Needless to say I didnt feel like the worlds best mommy today...............lets see if tomorrow will be better. lol


until we meet again.........................

THE THREE MIRACLES!!!

As u know, I have three of the most amazing children in the world. Amazing...yes! Tiresome.....yes!!! What was I thinking when I had three children? Well....first of all, it took us almost 7 years to have my oldest, Taryn Mckenzie. 5 rounds of fertility drugs (failed), 2 miscarriages and a partridge in a pear tree. lol. I lost 40 pds and went to an adoption agency and poof!! She was born 9 mos later, healthy and happy!!! So were me and my husband until................  she was 7 mos old.....I took a test (just in good measure) and sure enough....it was pink!! Omg!! I was sooo overwhelmed!! The first thing I thought, was diapers!! Oddly enough, its true. I was thinking, I will have two in diapers.......uuugggghhhh!!!! I didnt want that. Well, I got it!!!!!!!!! (nevertheless)  Then everything was going along.....oh, by the way, my second daughter Haiden Marie was a contraceptive baby (sponge). So we really really tried to prevent anymore............. Then why do I have a 17 mo old son in my living room. u ask?? Yea, thats what I would like to know.. lol. He was a double contraceptive baby (sponge and condom). I guess he was REALLY meant to be here..............he better be president dammit, thats all I got to say!! lol.  Then when I was 8 mos preg with him...I got pancreatitis. It was almost fatal to him and me. I couldnt eat for 7 days and could only drink gingerale after the first 2 days!! I cant believe he wasnt affected. Only one time did his heart rate go up a "little"!! Like I said....meant to be here!!!

The reason I am writing all of this is because I have to remind myself that I am sooo blessed no matter what kind of day I am having, no matter how much they fight, or no matter how much pain I am in (like today). They are my "MIRACLES"............I wasnt even supposed to have one...let alone three!!!  So I will return to this post when I need some reassuring....lol.
Like right now.....they are fighting over what colored bowl to have cereal in!! JUST EAT THE CEREAL ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!! Okay.....im better, I read  the post again. lol

until we meet again.........................

Time limits Suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is just not enough time in the day for everything that needs to be done. I am actually surprised that my children are listening long enuf for me to write this blog.  Must there be a time limit on everything we do?? But even as I am typing I have a blip on my computer screen that says "26 min remaining until your battery dies"! (thats actually how I feel most of the day)  As I look around my home right now, there is a million things to do, laundry, cleaning the kids room (god I wish they were old enuf to clean it all themselves, nope...no such luck) and between that and the other 30 things I must do today...i need to get a shower and make myself somewhat presentable!!! That might just have to wait........my husband loves me for who i am (thank god, cuz if not, we might have a problem, lol) and I dont have to "dress  to impress" any longer. YIPEEE!!!

Anyway, back to this day. Like I mentioned in my last blog....I need help with the house, but it doesnt make sense to ask....I will just do it over to my liking. WTh is wrong with me?? I just need to relax and take one thing at a time.............yea right!!!!!!! I am soo not like that at all!!! There are no lists for me...its just do everything at once and get it over with. No wonder I am overwhelmed!!!

well..........another blip says "15 min remaining".............guess its time for me to go. I guess I will give myself till lunchtime to get it all done..........hopefully it doesnt get trashed after that...............who am I kidding?? It will almost definately get messed up again.....I have children dont I???

Well.,,,,until we meet again  (maybe next time,I will have "60 mins remaining"!!!

I want it all!!!

As u guys know now, I am working part time again for the first time in four years!! Its going great, but I am hurting quite a bit. Is it from adjusting to a new schedule, or am I gonna be able to handle it?? Who knows, and only time will tell (i guess).  I am really jealous of my hubby right now (he is staying home with the kids while he is in between jobs...only about 2 more weeks actually) but I never thought I would be. It seems like he has things at home in soo much more control than I ever did.!!! Am I just feeling guilty about not being home...or is he just "better" at it?? I dont want to admit that it could be the second one. lol. But it could be true.....but again, I will NEVER admit that to him...........my pride just wont allow it. So See, its not my fault. Its Pride's fault!! !Lol.

  Anyway,  I come home and the dishes, laundry and the house are clean, and the cynical part of me is thinking "there is no way"!!! He had to have some help from someone (anyone) to get all of this done. Because as every mother understands (i hope they do anyway) that we can do it all.......... and better!!!!!!!!!! I bitch because I want help...but yet, when he does it....Im jealous that he actually did it, but yet when I was home, he couldnt do it right!!!  Doesnt make much sense, I know, but it is what is in my brain. Of course I am really really anal bout the house, so I dont even know why I would bitch about needing help in the first place. So, he cant win!!! Again, something i wont ever let him know about. lol.

So in conclusion, I guess I WANT IT ALL!!! And that is just not realistic, is it?? I have to let go of some control in order to be happy and content. So I am working on it.............its just a sloooowwww process!!!

until we meet again.