Shock!!!

I can still hear the words like it was yesterday, " Mrs. Ball, Im sorry to tell you, but your son didn't make it". I cannot express the pain that shot thru my heart as I was hitting the floor in the family waiting room at 2:48pm on April 13, 2011.
 It was a normal day for me and my family. It started at 5:25am, ( a lil early, but okay). Jaxon got up first, like he always did, but I didnt care, I liked being up with him by myself, it gave us a chance to be by ourselves for a little bit before the other ones got up!! :) Like I said, normal morning, he got up, i got him a bottle (which I was so desperately trying to get him off of, but was failing on.....hindsite is 20/20), and he watched cartoons, yo gabba gabba to be exact, until I was done putting my "face" on. I take back the normal statement. It was a lil crazy that morning, I was running a little behind, but nothing catastrophic in my eyes.
Sorry to be rambling......I then got ready for work and kissed everyone goodbye. I just didnt realize that it would be the last time I would kiss him goodbye.

After I got back from lunch......I got a call from Jon stating that he had quit breathing and that they took him to Beach General. (before he began talking to tell me about what exactly happened, it was like everything was in slow motion, like charlie brown)  I am assuming that he said to me that he had gone down for his nap at 9:15 and he checked on him at noon (he was such a great nap taker, so 3-4 hours was very normal for him) and then he went to wake him at 2,  his lips and fingertips were blue. CPR was performed but nothing was accomplished at this point, so thats why they took him by ambulance.  I could not get there fast enough, like I said, it was like everything was going in slow motion or even pause at this moment in my life. I needed to get to my baby, I dont know if I knew deep down that he wasnt going to make it, or if it was just for the simple fact of being there for him....either way, I could not hurry up fast enough!!!!!!!!!!

This is when it began to fast forward......they told me about 10 mins after getting there that he didnt make it. I had to hear that my 18 month old son died by myself. Jon arrived shortly after, and then we were allowed to see him.  OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!......................... that is all I can say about that.

Then came the detective, thank god she was empathetic, for her sake. I was not in the mood, to say the least to talk to anyone, I wanted to hold my son forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We got to hold him (for what seemed like only 5 minutes) and got a lock of his hair, and then it was goodbye........

Ya know the crazy thing that I am grateful for through this whole horrible process? Shock. The human body is so amazing that it puts your brain and body into shock because it knows that you couldnt possibly handle that much hurt at one time, or your heart broken that severe. What a blessing!!!!! If it werent for that, I would not be writing this blog right now, because where I would be, they wouldnt allow any sharp objects for me to have.

Alot of crying, anger, sadness, grief, guilt, regret and every single emotion one can think of has gone through me and my husbands heart since that day. More for my husband because he was there and he felt like was supposed to save him somehow...and the helpless part is, I cant fix that for him, only he can do that for himself in time.  And I am sure it will be that way for days and months, oh hell, who am I kidding, for years,!!!!!!

But to be honest, I look at my girls everyday and I  thank god I still have them. They are what get me out of bed each and every morning since that horrible afternoon almost 4 weeks ago. Not that they didnt give me reason before, but I think I took for granted that I would always have them by my side. Boy was I mistaken. We are all borrowed on this earth.....

If this blog has taught you anything about life, please let it be this; Cherish your life, your husband,wife, significant other, children, family, friends and loved ones. NOONE IS PROMISED TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Until we meet again.........................


ps....until we meet again doodlebug, mommy loves you!!!!!!!!!!