Everything, anything and then some.........

I am sitting here going over everything that has happened to me and my family over the last three months. WOW!!! It has been a journey to say the least. This time 3 mos ago, I was layin in bed thinking about how I wish that I could just hear his laugh, cry or even temper just one more time......Not going to happen. He is gone. I can sit here and think, "okay, I will see him again". Nope, not good enough for me. Its gonna have to be, but I dont have to like it.


I am also struggling on how to please everyone in my life. How do you fix something that was never supposed to get broken in the first place??? Why isnt "your best" ever seem good enough? Maybe its the best one can do, maybe not. But only that person knows for sure. Maybe all this drama is karma biting me on the ass for once....I have judged, I have misunderstood things, I have even said things I dont care to remember. But one thing we all are togther is HUMAN!!!!!

Why isnt it allowed to make mistakes and come back from it? Why must we judge people for something they have no control over sometimes?

I would love to have the type of friendships that you see on "Desperate Housewives" or lifetime, or some other sitcom. Wouldnt that be nice??? Life seems too busy to have those in "real" America. Ya know?

Unfortunately, in a Tradegy like losing my son, people have to be on the back burner once in awhile, and just trust that I am not MALICIOUS!!!! That is all I am capable of right now. My family is what I have to focus on, and maybe that is portrayed as shutting certain people out, but I dont do it with spite. I dont have choice in the matter............

until we meet again.....

Who decides when its too much for you to handle?

My daughters came up to me yesterday (it was after the ambulance took my mom....again) and they patted me on the back ever so innocently and said "It will be okay Mommy"!! Wow!! Do I wish I had their optimisim or what? Of course, they didnt know what I was so sad over, because I didnt want them to know about their "nini" going into the hospital and being on the ventilator....again. They just lost Jaxon, this can wait as long as it can. I know I cant protect them forever but I can make it wait just a little while longer.

Whoever made up the saying "When it rains, it pours", it is soo very true!!! I mean for obvious reasons, but for other ones too. Why cant just one thing happen and it stay that way? Why must it have a dominoe affect too? Just because we can handle it doesnt mean we should have to, right?

Sometimes I just want to scream and say "okay god, thats enough, thanks for the compliment of thinking I can handle it, but I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"....

I think we are going to move on to a new place, not that my stress and drama and feelings wont follow me, but at least I wont be reminded of it everyday like here. ya know? I believe my mind has been made up....now its just gettin it in the works!!!!!

Until next time..............

Moving on or just Moving?

As I sat in my son's room on Tuesday morning (well, his old room)I looked around at his toys, his crib, his wall hangings, books, shelves, clothes, etc etc etc. It took about 30 minutes for me to even move from the spot that I had positioned myself on the floor, my legs would not, or could not, work. Finally,with my husbands help, I got up and starting boxing his things up. It went fine for about 10 minutes, then I got ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!! I just threw a toy across the room with full force. Why u ask? I havent the faintest idea other than it was gonna make me feel better.......it didnt.

Then we came to his clothes......you could still smell "him". So, after smelling almost 90% of them, I put all of his clothes, bibs, blankets and socks into a vacuum sealed bag for later ( I am having a quilt made out of all his items). Sobbing through this whole process, all I could think was I felt like I was sealing up his memory along with his clothes. Silly as that sounds, it is really what I felt.

I never thought in a million years that "this" would be happening to me!! I would watch lifetime or an occasional movie where a child or infant would pass away and I would cry for that mother, almost like it were me or one of my family members. Well, ironically, it is me now.

So, as we are emptying out the rest of our house that we once made our home for our family, I cant help but wonder, are we moving on, or are we just moving?

until we meet again......

Fortunate............still.

As I was laying down with my girls tonight before they went to sleep, I thought to myself, somethings missing. And it is.....Jaxon's missing. I miss him more than anything in this world.  He will never be there for me to tuck in again, or give his glow worm to, put on his pajamas after a bath smelling "Oh so good", etc. But then as my mind wandered away from that, I thought, I am still so blessed to have my girls!! Not that I questioned how fortunate I was before, but it does put things into persective, unfortunately.

  I dont think parenting comes with manuals because it would be too painful to read about "what if". ya know?

Taryn and Haiden made Jaxon memory boxes the other day. They decorated them with markers, foam stickers, and drew on them the way they wanted to, and then they each put a picture in it that they chose. I was so proud of them, that they wanted to do that for him (well for themselves, in memory of him, but still). I have to remember that they are grieving as well, and its not just about me or my husband, its about them as well. Probably more about them, because they dont understand. I really dont understand either, but I do a little more than them. I think.................

Haiden has let two balloons go in the sky for Jaxon so he could have them, and Taryn often dreams about him putting ravioli in his hair ( which is accurate, if you ever have seen the pictures of him after lunch) so that tells me that they will grieve different because they loved him different. And thats okay. Even if I didnt think it was, its going to have to be, ya know?

So, the point of this blog was to say that I have two girls that love and cherish me and my husband and they still need me. Jaxon is okay, no pain, no boo boo's, no sorrow.
I guess I am done with him, but I am not close to being done for my two princesses.

until we meet again........................

Whats the best decision to make?

Me and my hubby are contemplating on moving to Pennslyvania, very soon. The problem is that my girls have their grandparents here, their school is here, pretty much everything they know and love is.......here. Do we know as parents whats best for them just because we are their parents? How does that work?

My hubby has an opportunity for employement up there, first of all, and second of all, we have family in PA. My father was born and raised in PA, so we are not moving blind. But sometimes it feels like we will be. But I cannot stay in VA for anybody else, and that includes my mom, dad, a school, a friend, etc etc etc.

My mother just got home, and she is stable and I feel like a move like this could send her back into ICU, but is that guilt making me feel like this or is it really second guessin the actual move? Dont know................

I am a little peaved at my hubby because I mentioned moving over a year ago and he wanted no part in it. Now all of a sudden, he wants to move. What if I dont want to go? I do, but part of me is being spiteful I think. That he thinks that I will just say "how high" when he says "jump", ya know? But I know deep down, its not like that at all. It has alot to do with our marriage for one, my mothers illness over the years (it has taken its toll) and lastly but most importantly, Jaxon's death.

No matter what we do, it will change us. If we stay here, he will be unhappy. If we go, our family will be unhappy. Who wins????

Feeling Guilty.....

I am trying very hard to understand and empathize what my daughters are going thru right now, but I dont think I can. First, they lose their brother, then the second favorite person in the whole world is in the hospital. I cant imagine what their tiny brains are thinking. I mean, I am going thru it too, but I can kinda understand what the hell is going on, and why ( sort of) but they cant, they just know that it happened. ya know?  I feel like all I do is get overwhelmed and irritated with Haiden, my three year old. It has gotten so bad that noone can even leave the room without her freaking out like they are not going to come back. Like I said, I am trying soo hard to understand, and I do, but I am still frustrated. I am human too.

I am trying to get them both counseling as well as us, but we dont have ins. They do, and we have a social worker working with us at the moment trying to get us some help. I do hope and pray that this will shed some light on them and it will make them understand a little better about what and why it happened in the first place. Hopefully.......

I am trying to be the best mother I can be to my girls, but I am facing it myself, so how do I "fake the funk" so to speak? I need someone, but they need me?

Optimism vs Realism

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I am not a optimistic person by nature. I am not really pessimistic, Im sortof a realist. Meaning, I would rather think that its probably  going to happen vs it might not ever happen. Make sense? Anyway, I am really trying to be different especially with my girls. Haiden is going thru a really tough time right now with Jaxon being gone and now with  my Mom is in the hospital. Everytime anyone leaves, she has a fit. Or at the very least, she says " You are coming back, right?" Its breaking my heart as well as my spirit, because I dont know what to do about it.

My patience is wearing thin, I am human as well as a mom, so its hard to not get impatient with a three yr old who wont (literally) let you leave the room. Even to go the bathroom.  I understand why, its just my mind is overwhelmed so its like one more thing to handle, ya know? I love my children very much, and I dont ever view them as bothersome or nusiance's etc, but sometimes, I would just like to scream at the top of my lungs!!!!! I really cant do that with a three year old not wondering if mommy is going crazy!!! lol

So the reality of it all is that 1, Jaxon is gone. 2, My mom is in ICU (dont know from day to day whats happening) 3, My duplex got broken into. (they stole a bunch of stuff and ransacked the place) 4, Financially, well.....not good. So let me be optimistic for a minute.....It could be worse. Okay, thats all I got. See, I told you Im not good at it. I listed 4 things on the "real" side, but only one for the "optimistic side". lol.

There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel for our family............soon, right? I just dont know if I can take anymore. Like I said, I am positive that someone, somewhere has it worse off than me, but please forgive me if it doesnt pacify me as much as it should.

All I can do is take it day by day. I am trying my best to keep my head above water at this point......

until we meet again.........

Is there enuf left over?

As I sit here and write this post, I wonder what else is going on in my life, first its my girls, and how they are doing. Actually they are sleeping (thank goodness) but  normally it would be "mommy, whatcha doing"? u know the drill.............lol. Anyway, at this minute I am thinking of my mother who is sitting in ICU struggling to breathe right now, due to COPD, emphsyema, and Pneumonia in one of her lungs, and she really only has about  20 % of  it all the time anyway. She went in yesterday around noon, and we thought that it wasnt "one of those times again" because she didnt immediately go to ICU, she stayed in the ER and then went to her own room. My opinion is that she should have gone to ICU in the first place given all her past medical history. But I dont have a medical degree, so what the hell do I know anyway, right?

So tonight after my father visited her for awhile and left to let her sleep, the hospital called and said that she wasnt doing well i.e "crashing" and that they were taking her to where??? exactly.....ICU!!!! That is where she shouldve been in the first place...........okay, let me calm down and get rational again. Its neither here nor there about yesterday, what matters is from now on. So, they said that her Co2 levels were tripled again, like yesterday, and she was struggling to even sit on a bedpan, so if that continued into tomorrow, she was goin to be ventilated. This will be her 6-7th time in 4-5 yrs on the vent. She has beat it everytime. I am afraid that her body will quit "beating it" after so many times on it, plus you add pneumonia on top of it, that opens a whole new can of worms!!! Pardon the analogy, couldnt think of anything else.

Where this post was going, promise it had a point, somewhere, I think....lol. Oh yea, me and my hubby had a fight earlier before he went to work, about something very very trivial but because we are sooo super stressed, these little fights turn into very big ones all the time. And with us, we compete with each other and it ends up like " well you did it the other day, so why cant I do it today"? Not good!!! But just losing Jaxon 6 wks ago, will kinda turn your marriage in an uproar, just a bit. Ya know????

It doesnt leave time for anything or anyone else so to speak.  We barely have time for each other because our daughters are coming first throughout this whole process no matter what!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It makes you realize who is there for you and who is not. Family and friends unfortunately have to take a very big back seat and back burner because there just isnt room in the front where they used to be....and even tho u still  want them there. It an unfortunate situation, yes, but its an even bigger one for the one thats going thru it. I am sure its very frustrating for you (the friend, the family member, cousin, neighbor etc) to know what to say, what not to say, what to do or not to do, or even when to do it. I never understood the phrase, "just be there when I need you". I always thought, well, now, thats just selfish. Isnt that kinda just waiting until someone needs you? Like beckin call girl? No, not really, you still have your life to lead, it just means that you stand back and check up on your friend, family member or that neighbor and say "hey, just wondering if you need anything"? That is all........literally. Sounds too simple, right?

Its really not. Coming from someone who is goin thru it, I promise that its not. Ive never had a best friend lose a child, or had their mother admitted in ICU, but unfortunately now I will know how to handle it.

One day at a time?

I am trying to understand what people are suggesting to me during my "grieving" process, but some of them I still just cant get ahold of. Like, "Dont worry, you will be fine in time". or,  "At least you have your girls still", or this is my favorite one...."Pretty soon, it will be a distant memory"...yea, someone actually said that to me, I will not reveal who, because I want to assume this person was under the influence of crack, crystal meth or even heroine when they said, why else would someone suggest that to me?

I dont want to sound mean or ungrateful, because I truly believe that some people (probably alot of people) dont know what to say to someone who has lost a child.........I know I didnt. I do know, unfortunately.  The best advice anyone has said to me yet is my Aunt Meg; she said this to me about 3-4 days after Jaxon died, she said "Tara, you know what the only good thing about grief is?" I said  what? She said, " You cant screw it up"!!!!!!!! She is right, there is no wrong way to grieve, whatever you feel the best way to grieve is the way you should do it. Thats the beauty of it, if there is such a monster.

So basically, I am taking it one day at a time, one minute at a time, one second at time, all of it!!!!!!!!!!! I dont know what I feel from one minute to the next......I feel like my emotions are a roller coaster, literally. I thought PMS was bad?? Shit!!! That is basically a walk in the park..............

until we meet again........................

Shock!!!

I can still hear the words like it was yesterday, " Mrs. Ball, Im sorry to tell you, but your son didn't make it". I cannot express the pain that shot thru my heart as I was hitting the floor in the family waiting room at 2:48pm on April 13, 2011.
 It was a normal day for me and my family. It started at 5:25am, ( a lil early, but okay). Jaxon got up first, like he always did, but I didnt care, I liked being up with him by myself, it gave us a chance to be by ourselves for a little bit before the other ones got up!! :) Like I said, normal morning, he got up, i got him a bottle (which I was so desperately trying to get him off of, but was failing on.....hindsite is 20/20), and he watched cartoons, yo gabba gabba to be exact, until I was done putting my "face" on. I take back the normal statement. It was a lil crazy that morning, I was running a little behind, but nothing catastrophic in my eyes.
Sorry to be rambling......I then got ready for work and kissed everyone goodbye. I just didnt realize that it would be the last time I would kiss him goodbye.

After I got back from lunch......I got a call from Jon stating that he had quit breathing and that they took him to Beach General. (before he began talking to tell me about what exactly happened, it was like everything was in slow motion, like charlie brown)  I am assuming that he said to me that he had gone down for his nap at 9:15 and he checked on him at noon (he was such a great nap taker, so 3-4 hours was very normal for him) and then he went to wake him at 2,  his lips and fingertips were blue. CPR was performed but nothing was accomplished at this point, so thats why they took him by ambulance.  I could not get there fast enough, like I said, it was like everything was going in slow motion or even pause at this moment in my life. I needed to get to my baby, I dont know if I knew deep down that he wasnt going to make it, or if it was just for the simple fact of being there for him....either way, I could not hurry up fast enough!!!!!!!!!!

This is when it began to fast forward......they told me about 10 mins after getting there that he didnt make it. I had to hear that my 18 month old son died by myself. Jon arrived shortly after, and then we were allowed to see him.  OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!......................... that is all I can say about that.

Then came the detective, thank god she was empathetic, for her sake. I was not in the mood, to say the least to talk to anyone, I wanted to hold my son forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We got to hold him (for what seemed like only 5 minutes) and got a lock of his hair, and then it was goodbye........

Ya know the crazy thing that I am grateful for through this whole horrible process? Shock. The human body is so amazing that it puts your brain and body into shock because it knows that you couldnt possibly handle that much hurt at one time, or your heart broken that severe. What a blessing!!!!! If it werent for that, I would not be writing this blog right now, because where I would be, they wouldnt allow any sharp objects for me to have.

Alot of crying, anger, sadness, grief, guilt, regret and every single emotion one can think of has gone through me and my husbands heart since that day. More for my husband because he was there and he felt like was supposed to save him somehow...and the helpless part is, I cant fix that for him, only he can do that for himself in time.  And I am sure it will be that way for days and months, oh hell, who am I kidding, for years,!!!!!!

But to be honest, I look at my girls everyday and I  thank god I still have them. They are what get me out of bed each and every morning since that horrible afternoon almost 4 weeks ago. Not that they didnt give me reason before, but I think I took for granted that I would always have them by my side. Boy was I mistaken. We are all borrowed on this earth.....

If this blog has taught you anything about life, please let it be this; Cherish your life, your husband,wife, significant other, children, family, friends and loved ones. NOONE IS PROMISED TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Until we meet again.........................


ps....until we meet again doodlebug, mommy loves you!!!!!!!!!!

When u love someone too much..............

I have always been the type of person that when I love, I love HARD!!! And that doesnt always create happiness!! I need to learn that u cant fix everyone or everything in your life (or even your spouses' for that matter) I tried to do something for my husband and it backfired!!! I was only trying to help, but it did the complete opposite than what I was aiming for.  I have never felt more helpless in my whole life. I just dont know how to love "a little", ya know? But when u have a man in your life that is completely unemotional about some things, it makes it hard not to want to change the situation and help him, right?   WRONG!!!!!!!!! Definately wrong. For all of you out there who are attempting to do something for someone u love..............really think about it before doing. Trust me!!!

until we meet again.....................

Watch what u say!!!

I know that I am a "mommy", so why cant I watch my mouth around my kids?? I am trying soo hard to, but i slip up alot!! Im not proud of it, but its just something that I cant resist!! This morning I heard my three year old Haiden tell her sister that she was being a "dick" and that she wasnt gonna play with her anymore!! I laughed sooo hard I could barely stand it, but they didnt see me laughing. I didnt want her to think that was  nice word to say. Now, this isnt a word I use often, but I guess they heard me the few times I said it (im assuming).  If I remember correctly, I called Jonathan a dick in an argument that i swore they didnt hear. BOY., WAS I WRONG!!! lol.   Punishment was I let Haiden smack my hand and I went to time out for 5 minutes. Then I proceeded to tell her that it was a very ugly word and mommy wont ever use it again!!! Well..............i will try at least not to. Im not perfect in any way, shape or form, but I can watch what I say!!! Needless to say I didnt feel like the worlds best mommy today...............lets see if tomorrow will be better. lol


until we meet again.........................

THE THREE MIRACLES!!!

As u know, I have three of the most amazing children in the world. Amazing...yes! Tiresome.....yes!!! What was I thinking when I had three children? Well....first of all, it took us almost 7 years to have my oldest, Taryn Mckenzie. 5 rounds of fertility drugs (failed), 2 miscarriages and a partridge in a pear tree. lol. I lost 40 pds and went to an adoption agency and poof!! She was born 9 mos later, healthy and happy!!! So were me and my husband until................  she was 7 mos old.....I took a test (just in good measure) and sure enough....it was pink!! Omg!! I was sooo overwhelmed!! The first thing I thought, was diapers!! Oddly enough, its true. I was thinking, I will have two in diapers.......uuugggghhhh!!!! I didnt want that. Well, I got it!!!!!!!!! (nevertheless)  Then everything was going along.....oh, by the way, my second daughter Haiden Marie was a contraceptive baby (sponge). So we really really tried to prevent anymore............. Then why do I have a 17 mo old son in my living room. u ask?? Yea, thats what I would like to know.. lol. He was a double contraceptive baby (sponge and condom). I guess he was REALLY meant to be here..............he better be president dammit, thats all I got to say!! lol.  Then when I was 8 mos preg with him...I got pancreatitis. It was almost fatal to him and me. I couldnt eat for 7 days and could only drink gingerale after the first 2 days!! I cant believe he wasnt affected. Only one time did his heart rate go up a "little"!! Like I said....meant to be here!!!

The reason I am writing all of this is because I have to remind myself that I am sooo blessed no matter what kind of day I am having, no matter how much they fight, or no matter how much pain I am in (like today). They are my "MIRACLES"............I wasnt even supposed to have one...let alone three!!!  So I will return to this post when I need some reassuring....lol.
Like right now.....they are fighting over what colored bowl to have cereal in!! JUST EAT THE CEREAL ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!! Okay.....im better, I read  the post again. lol

until we meet again.........................

Time limits Suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is just not enough time in the day for everything that needs to be done. I am actually surprised that my children are listening long enuf for me to write this blog.  Must there be a time limit on everything we do?? But even as I am typing I have a blip on my computer screen that says "26 min remaining until your battery dies"! (thats actually how I feel most of the day)  As I look around my home right now, there is a million things to do, laundry, cleaning the kids room (god I wish they were old enuf to clean it all themselves, nope...no such luck) and between that and the other 30 things I must do today...i need to get a shower and make myself somewhat presentable!!! That might just have to wait........my husband loves me for who i am (thank god, cuz if not, we might have a problem, lol) and I dont have to "dress  to impress" any longer. YIPEEE!!!

Anyway, back to this day. Like I mentioned in my last blog....I need help with the house, but it doesnt make sense to ask....I will just do it over to my liking. WTh is wrong with me?? I just need to relax and take one thing at a time.............yea right!!!!!!! I am soo not like that at all!!! There are no lists for me...its just do everything at once and get it over with. No wonder I am overwhelmed!!!

well..........another blip says "15 min remaining".............guess its time for me to go. I guess I will give myself till lunchtime to get it all done..........hopefully it doesnt get trashed after that...............who am I kidding?? It will almost definately get messed up again.....I have children dont I???

Well.,,,,until we meet again  (maybe next time,I will have "60 mins remaining"!!!

I want it all!!!

As u guys know now, I am working part time again for the first time in four years!! Its going great, but I am hurting quite a bit. Is it from adjusting to a new schedule, or am I gonna be able to handle it?? Who knows, and only time will tell (i guess).  I am really jealous of my hubby right now (he is staying home with the kids while he is in between jobs...only about 2 more weeks actually) but I never thought I would be. It seems like he has things at home in soo much more control than I ever did.!!! Am I just feeling guilty about not being home...or is he just "better" at it?? I dont want to admit that it could be the second one. lol. But it could be true.....but again, I will NEVER admit that to him...........my pride just wont allow it. So See, its not my fault. Its Pride's fault!! !Lol.

  Anyway,  I come home and the dishes, laundry and the house are clean, and the cynical part of me is thinking "there is no way"!!! He had to have some help from someone (anyone) to get all of this done. Because as every mother understands (i hope they do anyway) that we can do it all.......... and better!!!!!!!!!! I bitch because I want help...but yet, when he does it....Im jealous that he actually did it, but yet when I was home, he couldnt do it right!!!  Doesnt make much sense, I know, but it is what is in my brain. Of course I am really really anal bout the house, so I dont even know why I would bitch about needing help in the first place. So, he cant win!!! Again, something i wont ever let him know about. lol.

So in conclusion, I guess I WANT IT ALL!!! And that is just not realistic, is it?? I have to let go of some control in order to be happy and content. So I am working on it.............its just a sloooowwww process!!!

until we meet again.

Work post.........again!!

I now have been working again for 2 full weeks. I love it but I feel like I dont belong with everyone there. I got repremanded yesterday really hard for a mistake (that I felt) couldve been made by anyone that had been working years now. I am not above being told what I did wrong, but I feel that it was done in a "wrong" manner. I was told in front of all my coworkers, and i was embarrased by it. Like I said, I dont have a problem at all with being corrected, but I couldve been taken aside and told. And the funny thing was, it was fixed in like 7 minutes. So how bad of a mistake could it have been., ya know? I am just gonna smile and kill it with kindness tomorrow when I go in................ thats the bigger person thing to do, right?? lol. Oh well, its one for the books I guess.  I just hope I can make this work!!!!!

until we meet again............................

Discouraged!!!

Okay........not to sound negative or anything but its days like today that make me feel like I am not doing the right thing by working. ;(   I am in soo much pain, but I know in my heart its gonna get better......or do I?? I dont know whats gonna happen, except for the fact if I quit, that will break my spirit!!! I have to keep pushing myself until I just cant anymore!!!!!!!! My husband said that he wont let me quit!!! I looked at him like, "excuse me"??? But what he meant was, he knows that I am just havin a hard day and its not worth  quitting over!!! I understand what he meant!!! I just need to keep telling myself that its okay "IF" i cant make it much longer........I am not a failure if that were to happen!!! I just need to suck it up and deal with it!!!!!!!!! lol. No, honestly, I am just having a "woe is me" day and everyone is entitled to one of those days!!! Tomorrow is a new day and I am ready for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 until we meet again.............................

Why????

I dont understand certain people sometimes!!! Why wouldnt grandmas want to spend time with their grandchildren?? Is it because they have better things to do, or is it that they are just too busy with their own lives???? Whatever the reason is....its unexcusable to me!!! Grandchildren are a privledge, not a right, and they dont always have to be there for you to enjoy. That is up to the parents.....thats our luxury!!!! Not that its right to keep them away. but sometimes its the harsh actions that really make someone stop, look and listen to you!!!!!!!!!!! Sucks when its the ONLY  way, ya know???  I thought as a parent,  that this was one of the perks to motherhood, having grandparents to wisk them away for the weekend, and spoil the hell out of them. Parents need breaks too................had to admit it, but probably more than anyone really knows!! lol. So with all that being said..........and you are reading this......and your a grandparent.......Pay attention to what is going on with your children and always be there for them and the grandbabies!!! We need you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

until we meet again.......
          

Pain sucks.....but gotta suck it up!!!!!!!!!!

I am officially done with my first week back at work and I am feeling it today!!!!!!!!! I knew I would but it still sucks!!!!!!!!!!! This is the moment where I question if I did the right thing by even attempting to go back to work??? I know I love it, but I am worried that on my days off, this is how I am going to feel...........in pain!!!  Or it could just be my body adjusting to me working again............GOD I HOPE SOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sure it is, but I am feeling sorta discouraged about it. Like I said, I know I can do it, but we will see how long I can do it. But that doesnt matter anyway, I have to suck it up for my babies!!!!!!!!! I know they will want to do something fun today,.so I have to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dont get to see Taryn all week cuz she is in school, so she looks forward to spending the  weekends with us, and I have to make that special for her!!! Haiden is the same way.... I only see her two days a week now.....so she is really looking forward to this!!!! But I am a mommy and that is what mommies do.....anything for her babies!!!!! So, they will never know the pain I am in today.........................if it kills me doing it!!!!!!!!!! lol   

until we meet again.

Happy!!!!!!!!

I am doing great at my job, I feel its exactly where I am supposed to be. The great part of it is I still get to "Play" mommy two days!!! Its the perfect balance!! I havent felt this good in a long time about something (i mean other than my family) and I am loving it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The funny part is I think that my husband is actually enjoying himself too at home for the time being! I never thought I would ever say that., but its true!! Its nice to be recognized other than for mommy, I even feel like I am being respected and looked at in a whole different way from my husband, which feels the most amazing!!  You know that someone is happy when they wake up at 5:30 am with a smile on their face.........................I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Until we meet again......

Daddys turn!!!

As I wrote on Monday, I forgot the funny story that was my mind!! It was my first day of work, as u know, and jon was home with the kids. Well...our son loves anything tomatoe based. (ravioli, skettio's, beeferoni, etc) Anyway, so he has some for lunch and he gets it everywhere, even his hair!! Then my husband decides to put him the tub, well.....I guess his lunch came thru him a little quicker than expected because he pooped all in the bathtub!!! Jon said the worst part was it was alot and it was sticking to the bottom. cuz it wasnt much water, so he had to clean it himself and not scoop it like we have done!!! Needless to say, he wanted me home so he could leave!!! WELCOME TO MY WORLD HONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol.


But things are going good, and its my third day starting my job!! I am going back to my original site, my ol stompin ground, as I call it!! I am excited but nervous, cuz alot has changed since ive been there.............but i got this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! until we meet again.

Mommy was missed!!!!!! Who wouldve thunk???

Yesterday was my first full day at work again...after four years, and It was awesome!! I was thrown in the shark pit, but I didnt mind. I had to be refreshed on a couple things, but for the most part, I was surprised at how much I really knew. I think a lil jealously was there, but not bad. I forgot how much I missed it, helping patients, answering phones (other than mine, lol.) and just helping out when needed. I met some really great people as well, and I was invited back with OPEN ARMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was the greatest part of it all. I showed off pics of my family to everyone, and they were oohing and ahhing!!! Love it!!!!!!!!!!! I am hurting a lil bit today, but i expected worse, im gonna be honest. Haiden cried when I left, and that really surprised me, because as you know if previous posts that our relationship hasnt been great lately. So without sounding heartless, I was happy she missed me!! Jaxon always misses his momma, nothing new about that!! :) But they were all waving goodbye and they were all waving hello at the end of the day..........ahhh, what a great feeling as a mother. Jon did wonderful......i dont know why I was worried. Dinner, dishes and laundry were all done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He said, "honey, I didnt do the bathrooms tho, I just cant"!!! I understood, I like to clean the bathrooms, cuz Ive had staph, and I am anal about cleaning those.

So in the voices of the Fresh Beat Band (sorry it hasnt escaped my brain yet, lol)  IT WAS  A GREAT DAY!!!!!!!!!
                                        until we meet again................

Haiden and Taryn

This is one of those days where Taryn and Haiden are actually getting along. Cant believe it myself, but its true. They were reciting The Big Bad wolf in their bedroom, then they were playing school, and now as I type they are going to play hide n seek!! I LOVE it when they play great together!!! It really makes me happy as a mother that they can actually act like sisters as well as friends!! ya know?  Then haiden goes into the broom closet and wants to help sweep, and she starts saying, " Move kids, Move kids, I HAVE to sweep" !!! I just thought that was funny, because she is getting that from me!! Monkey see Monkey do!!!  Well...spoke to soon!! They are fighting over a leap pad touch book. I told them that mommy doesnt have two of everything for their spoiled lil tails!!!! they are going to have to learn to share, pretty much their whole life....why not start now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  until we neet again.

ps.....i thought that I would have an entire blog of them being nice to each other, but that didnt happen, Only half this time.....we will get there...sooner or later!! lol

Today is a new day!!!

Well...today is my last day as a full time stay at home mom!!! I am really excited about starting my job tomorrow!!! I truly believe that it is what I need to be mentally stable right now!! (or as mentally stable as Im gonna be, lol) I just have a problem with leave everything behind and not worrying about it. Im sure every mother does that when she returns back to work!!! Are the kids being fed on time? Are they gonna behave? Is the house gonna be a mess when I get home, cuz i sure dont want to come home and clean after working all day long, lol   But dont get me wrong, Im expecting it a little bit, only because my hubby will be home with them for the first 3 wks. Who knows what is going to go on during the day with those three!!! lol. But I am so lucky to have a husband that I trust with my kids and I know that they will be loved and taken care of all day!!! No matter what!!!!!!! Cleaning??? thats a differnt story....it will take some time for him to adjust to doing it all....but I cant lie, IM EXCITED!!!!!!!!! is that bad of me?? ;)  Sorry to sound so gleeful, but I am ready to go to work instead of staying home and doing household chores.....sometimes I feel like Annie....its a hard knock life for us!!!! lol. But in all seriousness, the house will probably be spotless, dinner will be done, just so he can say.....SEE? Told u I could do it???? I will miss them terribly though.....enough not to go? umm..............................not a chance!!!!!! lol. until we meet again, and It will be my first day on the job!!

God Bless Pop Pop and Nene!!!

First off, let me start by saying that this blog is dedicated to my mom and day today!!! :)
Well ,as parents we all need breaks in life from our children!! (i know I do, anyway) If you say you dont, then u are either lying, or I dont like you very much because you have the perfect kids!! lol. Anyway, my parents are constant in my childrens' lives and I feel soo blessed to have them. I have known friends or have just met people who dont have any grandparents for their lil ones, and I feel so sorry for them. I couldnt imagine not having my parents in my life to help with mine. I rely on my parents sooo much!! FOR EVERYTHING!! and then some.....
  
My father is a engineer who travels two weeks out of every month, (and the weekends that he is here, saturdays are their days)  and he came back yesterday and we surprised him at the airport with all the kids. You wouldve thought that they hadnt seen him in 3 mos or longer!! lol. It was awesome!!! As soon as they saw him, they couldnt get to him fast enough, and almost knocked him down, screaming "POP POP" !!!   Now, that is love right there!! ;)  It was really sweet especially because I could see people around us oohhing and ahhing about it, and saying how sweet it was!!! I loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So needless to say, this is the saturday that they have together. Lil man doesnt get to go yet, because as my father puts it " Im too damn old to chase four of them around". So one day during the week, he picks up lil man and takes him to dinner or the mall or something. So he doesnt feel left out. And pretty much whenever else he feels like taking my children, he does!! I dont have a say in that, lol.

And then when my dad is done taking them to the park or mall or lunch or all three sometimes, lol. He takes them back to the house so my mom can have arts and crafts with them. They love her just as much!! Painting with nene is like an art session!!! And dont even get me started on the computer, (or pooter as my daughter calls it)  Puzzles and games and baby doll oh my!!! When u walk into their house, its like Toys R Us's wharehouse!!! But you gotta love them!!!  Or as my husband always says "Hey, its less I have to buy"!! He is really just joking, but kinda serious, there isnt a toy that we "can" buy for them, its already been bought!!!

Like I said, I just feel extremely blessed to have my parents there, because without them all these years, I dont know how I wouldve made it!!!

Am I doing the right thing??

As  a stay at home mom, we get to experience all the "first's". The first step, the first word, the first eating with a spoon by themselves, etc. Its amazing to witness!!! I feel so blessed to have had the last four years of my childrens life at home with them, so answer me this, why do I (all of a sudden) feel so guilty about going back to work? Is it because I really dont want  to do it? And I am being stubborn and noone is going to tell me I cant do it?? Or is it because I am feeling terrible about the relationship that me and my daughter Haiden are having at this moment? (even if its just a phase she is going thru, and its not my fault) Or is it just because I am scared I will fail with my back pain, and have to quit, and then I will feel guilty for putting my kids in daycare, and for what??? When I couldve just let it go, and stayed at home, and found other ways to occupy my time.
The only thing I do know about myself is that I am not completely happy at this point in my life. I dont believe its my marriage, (my husband is a wonderful man), its definately not my children, they are the highlight of my life, so what is it?? The only thing I could come up with is me not working. The day I got the interview and was given the job, i felt something in my mind and body change....sounds cheesy huh? But its true. Even jon said that I have changed since I have gotten the job, and I havent even started yet. ;) So I guess it is worth a try, its better to try and fail than to never have tried at all.......right?? I think I am tryin to convince myself more than anything. I dont know why. But its damn scary going back into the work force after 4 yrs!!!! I do feel alot better knowing that i am comfortable with this position and this company, it helps!!! lol. So I guess all I can do is all I can do!! until we meet again.....

Why is the woman always responsible??

I always feel like I am responsible for everything in my life....not just for me, but for everything. The bills, the house, the kid, the cleaning, EVERYTHING!!!! I understand to an extent that this is how it used to be "back in the day" and how it will probably be forever, but why? Cant men own up and be somewhat responsible for somethings in the marriage? Why is sooo hard for them to realize that a marriage is about two people and not just for the woman? Why not just stay bachelors then? I truly believe that men would see a difference in all women (women who have a problem with this) and that it would be more peaceful in the household. But no, we have to be labeled as naggers, obessesors, and other things....actually, I could name them, but I dont have time to name them all. lol.
  
It might sound like I am just bitching, and maybe I am, but maybe Im not, and men should step it up more. Ya know??? All I know is it would be nice to come home and not have to do anything for a change......I know..but a girl can dream, cant I ?? ;)  until we meet again..........

At my wits end!!!!!!!!

Okay parents.....I am at my wits end with my three year old. Either she is possessed by the devil or she is "just" the middle child and she is going thru all that entails. I was the baby and the only girl, so I have no idea what she is feeling. So as her mother I am trying to understand and adjust, but it just isnt working at all. Everyday is a new ugliness episode, and I just shake my head and wonder why and what I can do to fix it. Hopefully  by putting her in preschool soon, this will help alot, but who knows? Is it me she is butting heads with, because it got really bad when my husband had to suddenly work a second job. But the weird part is, he goes when they are asleep. How does she even know he is gone? Strange!!!! PLease anybody out there with any advice would be great.......like I said I am at my wits end!!!

Parenting Manuals

I understand that with life comes stress, and with children comes stress, but when u put them together, wow, what a mess!! I mean i love my life, and I love my children, so I love my life with my children in my life, but where is the instruction manual that is supposed to come with parenting??  As I am blogging here this morning, my three yr old Haiden, (that you will know very well very soon) is punching me in the arm to get my attention. Really Haiden? It hurts!!! Cant you just touch mommy's arm? Do you have to be the Mike Tyson of three yr olds? Okay, then she gets it, and touches my arm to get my attention, but you wanna know what she wanted me to hear her say? " My poop poop poop!! She was singing this. I have no clue what to say to that one. See? If I had a manual, I could look to the index to the word "poop" and see what to do!! But noooo, there is no manual. lol.  But let me say that my life isnt tedious to say the least. That is why I am so excited to get a part time job starting next week!! To be among adults again, to not have to sing the Fresh Beat Band's theme song!! What a thrill!!!! To actually enjoy my lunch (all of it), with adults not screaming at me "I WANT SOME OF IT"!!!!!!!!!!!  I am not going to know what to do with myself!! well.....i will probably figure it out very quickly. until we meet again.......

Why do siblings fight?

Everyday I listen to my two daughters "fight" it out, if u will, but it never ends!!! Taryn (the 4yr old) is really ugly to Haiden (the 3 yr old) all the time, but god forbid it happen the other way around!! NO NO NO, that cant ever happen!!!! I realize that Haiden can be very very overwhelming at times, nearly everytime, but that is no excuse for Taryn to be ugly just because haiden wants to sit next to her at dinner. Right? Now, what I suggested, and what my mom made me and my brother do when we were little, was hold hands for five minutes. OMG!! You wouldve thought I was making them put their hands in acid!!! Im talking full blown fits, from both of them. "NO MOMMY, I CANT HOLD HER HAND, ITS GOT GERRRRMMMMSSS"!!!! This is taryn talking, (ms preschool).
 So hopefully what I am aiming for is the less the see of each other, the better off they will be......am I right about that? I would love some feedback from some mothers with two or more children. Mine are only 14 mos apart. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! until we meet again....