Everything, anything and then some.........

I am sitting here going over everything that has happened to me and my family over the last three months. WOW!!! It has been a journey to say the least. This time 3 mos ago, I was layin in bed thinking about how I wish that I could just hear his laugh, cry or even temper just one more time......Not going to happen. He is gone. I can sit here and think, "okay, I will see him again". Nope, not good enough for me. Its gonna have to be, but I dont have to like it.


I am also struggling on how to please everyone in my life. How do you fix something that was never supposed to get broken in the first place??? Why isnt "your best" ever seem good enough? Maybe its the best one can do, maybe not. But only that person knows for sure. Maybe all this drama is karma biting me on the ass for once....I have judged, I have misunderstood things, I have even said things I dont care to remember. But one thing we all are togther is HUMAN!!!!!

Why isnt it allowed to make mistakes and come back from it? Why must we judge people for something they have no control over sometimes?

I would love to have the type of friendships that you see on "Desperate Housewives" or lifetime, or some other sitcom. Wouldnt that be nice??? Life seems too busy to have those in "real" America. Ya know?

Unfortunately, in a Tradegy like losing my son, people have to be on the back burner once in awhile, and just trust that I am not MALICIOUS!!!! That is all I am capable of right now. My family is what I have to focus on, and maybe that is portrayed as shutting certain people out, but I dont do it with spite. I dont have choice in the matter............

until we meet again.....

Who decides when its too much for you to handle?

My daughters came up to me yesterday (it was after the ambulance took my mom....again) and they patted me on the back ever so innocently and said "It will be okay Mommy"!! Wow!! Do I wish I had their optimisim or what? Of course, they didnt know what I was so sad over, because I didnt want them to know about their "nini" going into the hospital and being on the ventilator....again. They just lost Jaxon, this can wait as long as it can. I know I cant protect them forever but I can make it wait just a little while longer.

Whoever made up the saying "When it rains, it pours", it is soo very true!!! I mean for obvious reasons, but for other ones too. Why cant just one thing happen and it stay that way? Why must it have a dominoe affect too? Just because we can handle it doesnt mean we should have to, right?

Sometimes I just want to scream and say "okay god, thats enough, thanks for the compliment of thinking I can handle it, but I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"....

I think we are going to move on to a new place, not that my stress and drama and feelings wont follow me, but at least I wont be reminded of it everyday like here. ya know? I believe my mind has been made up....now its just gettin it in the works!!!!!

Until next time..............

Moving on or just Moving?

As I sat in my son's room on Tuesday morning (well, his old room)I looked around at his toys, his crib, his wall hangings, books, shelves, clothes, etc etc etc. It took about 30 minutes for me to even move from the spot that I had positioned myself on the floor, my legs would not, or could not, work. Finally,with my husbands help, I got up and starting boxing his things up. It went fine for about 10 minutes, then I got ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!! I just threw a toy across the room with full force. Why u ask? I havent the faintest idea other than it was gonna make me feel better.......it didnt.

Then we came to his clothes......you could still smell "him". So, after smelling almost 90% of them, I put all of his clothes, bibs, blankets and socks into a vacuum sealed bag for later ( I am having a quilt made out of all his items). Sobbing through this whole process, all I could think was I felt like I was sealing up his memory along with his clothes. Silly as that sounds, it is really what I felt.

I never thought in a million years that "this" would be happening to me!! I would watch lifetime or an occasional movie where a child or infant would pass away and I would cry for that mother, almost like it were me or one of my family members. Well, ironically, it is me now.

So, as we are emptying out the rest of our house that we once made our home for our family, I cant help but wonder, are we moving on, or are we just moving?

until we meet again......

Fortunate............still.

As I was laying down with my girls tonight before they went to sleep, I thought to myself, somethings missing. And it is.....Jaxon's missing. I miss him more than anything in this world.  He will never be there for me to tuck in again, or give his glow worm to, put on his pajamas after a bath smelling "Oh so good", etc. But then as my mind wandered away from that, I thought, I am still so blessed to have my girls!! Not that I questioned how fortunate I was before, but it does put things into persective, unfortunately.

  I dont think parenting comes with manuals because it would be too painful to read about "what if". ya know?

Taryn and Haiden made Jaxon memory boxes the other day. They decorated them with markers, foam stickers, and drew on them the way they wanted to, and then they each put a picture in it that they chose. I was so proud of them, that they wanted to do that for him (well for themselves, in memory of him, but still). I have to remember that they are grieving as well, and its not just about me or my husband, its about them as well. Probably more about them, because they dont understand. I really dont understand either, but I do a little more than them. I think.................

Haiden has let two balloons go in the sky for Jaxon so he could have them, and Taryn often dreams about him putting ravioli in his hair ( which is accurate, if you ever have seen the pictures of him after lunch) so that tells me that they will grieve different because they loved him different. And thats okay. Even if I didnt think it was, its going to have to be, ya know?

So, the point of this blog was to say that I have two girls that love and cherish me and my husband and they still need me. Jaxon is okay, no pain, no boo boo's, no sorrow.
I guess I am done with him, but I am not close to being done for my two princesses.

until we meet again........................

Whats the best decision to make?

Me and my hubby are contemplating on moving to Pennslyvania, very soon. The problem is that my girls have their grandparents here, their school is here, pretty much everything they know and love is.......here. Do we know as parents whats best for them just because we are their parents? How does that work?

My hubby has an opportunity for employement up there, first of all, and second of all, we have family in PA. My father was born and raised in PA, so we are not moving blind. But sometimes it feels like we will be. But I cannot stay in VA for anybody else, and that includes my mom, dad, a school, a friend, etc etc etc.

My mother just got home, and she is stable and I feel like a move like this could send her back into ICU, but is that guilt making me feel like this or is it really second guessin the actual move? Dont know................

I am a little peaved at my hubby because I mentioned moving over a year ago and he wanted no part in it. Now all of a sudden, he wants to move. What if I dont want to go? I do, but part of me is being spiteful I think. That he thinks that I will just say "how high" when he says "jump", ya know? But I know deep down, its not like that at all. It has alot to do with our marriage for one, my mothers illness over the years (it has taken its toll) and lastly but most importantly, Jaxon's death.

No matter what we do, it will change us. If we stay here, he will be unhappy. If we go, our family will be unhappy. Who wins????

Feeling Guilty.....

I am trying very hard to understand and empathize what my daughters are going thru right now, but I dont think I can. First, they lose their brother, then the second favorite person in the whole world is in the hospital. I cant imagine what their tiny brains are thinking. I mean, I am going thru it too, but I can kinda understand what the hell is going on, and why ( sort of) but they cant, they just know that it happened. ya know?  I feel like all I do is get overwhelmed and irritated with Haiden, my three year old. It has gotten so bad that noone can even leave the room without her freaking out like they are not going to come back. Like I said, I am trying soo hard to understand, and I do, but I am still frustrated. I am human too.

I am trying to get them both counseling as well as us, but we dont have ins. They do, and we have a social worker working with us at the moment trying to get us some help. I do hope and pray that this will shed some light on them and it will make them understand a little better about what and why it happened in the first place. Hopefully.......

I am trying to be the best mother I can be to my girls, but I am facing it myself, so how do I "fake the funk" so to speak? I need someone, but they need me?

Optimism vs Realism

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I am not a optimistic person by nature. I am not really pessimistic, Im sortof a realist. Meaning, I would rather think that its probably  going to happen vs it might not ever happen. Make sense? Anyway, I am really trying to be different especially with my girls. Haiden is going thru a really tough time right now with Jaxon being gone and now with  my Mom is in the hospital. Everytime anyone leaves, she has a fit. Or at the very least, she says " You are coming back, right?" Its breaking my heart as well as my spirit, because I dont know what to do about it.

My patience is wearing thin, I am human as well as a mom, so its hard to not get impatient with a three yr old who wont (literally) let you leave the room. Even to go the bathroom.  I understand why, its just my mind is overwhelmed so its like one more thing to handle, ya know? I love my children very much, and I dont ever view them as bothersome or nusiance's etc, but sometimes, I would just like to scream at the top of my lungs!!!!! I really cant do that with a three year old not wondering if mommy is going crazy!!! lol

So the reality of it all is that 1, Jaxon is gone. 2, My mom is in ICU (dont know from day to day whats happening) 3, My duplex got broken into. (they stole a bunch of stuff and ransacked the place) 4, Financially, well.....not good. So let me be optimistic for a minute.....It could be worse. Okay, thats all I got. See, I told you Im not good at it. I listed 4 things on the "real" side, but only one for the "optimistic side". lol.

There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel for our family............soon, right? I just dont know if I can take anymore. Like I said, I am positive that someone, somewhere has it worse off than me, but please forgive me if it doesnt pacify me as much as it should.

All I can do is take it day by day. I am trying my best to keep my head above water at this point......

until we meet again.........