Anyone who knows me at all knows that I am not a optimistic person by nature. I am not really pessimistic, Im sortof a realist. Meaning, I would rather think that its probably going to happen vs it might not ever happen. Make sense? Anyway, I am really trying to be different especially with my girls. Haiden is going thru a really tough time right now with Jaxon being gone and now with my Mom is in the hospital. Everytime anyone leaves, she has a fit. Or at the very least, she says " You are coming back, right?" Its breaking my heart as well as my spirit, because I dont know what to do about it.
My patience is wearing thin, I am human as well as a mom, so its hard to not get impatient with a three yr old who wont (literally) let you leave the room. Even to go the bathroom. I understand why, its just my mind is overwhelmed so its like one more thing to handle, ya know? I love my children very much, and I dont ever view them as bothersome or nusiance's etc, but sometimes, I would just like to scream at the top of my lungs!!!!! I really cant do that with a three year old not wondering if mommy is going crazy!!! lol
So the reality of it all is that 1, Jaxon is gone. 2, My mom is in ICU (dont know from day to day whats happening) 3, My duplex got broken into. (they stole a bunch of stuff and ransacked the place) 4, Financially, well.....not good. So let me be optimistic for a minute.....It could be worse. Okay, thats all I got. See, I told you Im not good at it. I listed 4 things on the "real" side, but only one for the "optimistic side". lol.
There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel for our family............soon, right? I just dont know if I can take anymore. Like I said, I am positive that someone, somewhere has it worse off than me, but please forgive me if it doesnt pacify me as much as it should.
All I can do is take it day by day. I am trying my best to keep my head above water at this point......
until we meet again.........
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Is there enuf left over?
As I sit here and write this post, I wonder what else is going on in my life, first its my girls, and how they are doing. Actually they are sleeping (thank goodness) but normally it would be "mommy, whatcha doing"? u know the drill.............lol. Anyway, at this minute I am thinking of my mother who is sitting in ICU struggling to breathe right now, due to COPD, emphsyema, and Pneumonia in one of her lungs, and she really only has about 20 % of it all the time anyway. She went in yesterday around noon, and we thought that it wasnt "one of those times again" because she didnt immediately go to ICU, she stayed in the ER and then went to her own room. My opinion is that she should have gone to ICU in the first place given all her past medical history. But I dont have a medical degree, so what the hell do I know anyway, right?
So tonight after my father visited her for awhile and left to let her sleep, the hospital called and said that she wasnt doing well i.e "crashing" and that they were taking her to where??? exactly.....ICU!!!! That is where she shouldve been in the first place...........okay, let me calm down and get rational again. Its neither here nor there about yesterday, what matters is from now on. So, they said that her Co2 levels were tripled again, like yesterday, and she was struggling to even sit on a bedpan, so if that continued into tomorrow, she was goin to be ventilated. This will be her 6-7th time in 4-5 yrs on the vent. She has beat it everytime. I am afraid that her body will quit "beating it" after so many times on it, plus you add pneumonia on top of it, that opens a whole new can of worms!!! Pardon the analogy, couldnt think of anything else.
Where this post was going, promise it had a point, somewhere, I think....lol. Oh yea, me and my hubby had a fight earlier before he went to work, about something very very trivial but because we are sooo super stressed, these little fights turn into very big ones all the time. And with us, we compete with each other and it ends up like " well you did it the other day, so why cant I do it today"? Not good!!! But just losing Jaxon 6 wks ago, will kinda turn your marriage in an uproar, just a bit. Ya know????
It doesnt leave time for anything or anyone else so to speak. We barely have time for each other because our daughters are coming first throughout this whole process no matter what!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It makes you realize who is there for you and who is not. Family and friends unfortunately have to take a very big back seat and back burner because there just isnt room in the front where they used to be....and even tho u still want them there. It an unfortunate situation, yes, but its an even bigger one for the one thats going thru it. I am sure its very frustrating for you (the friend, the family member, cousin, neighbor etc) to know what to say, what not to say, what to do or not to do, or even when to do it. I never understood the phrase, "just be there when I need you". I always thought, well, now, thats just selfish. Isnt that kinda just waiting until someone needs you? Like beckin call girl? No, not really, you still have your life to lead, it just means that you stand back and check up on your friend, family member or that neighbor and say "hey, just wondering if you need anything"? That is all........literally. Sounds too simple, right?
Its really not. Coming from someone who is goin thru it, I promise that its not. Ive never had a best friend lose a child, or had their mother admitted in ICU, but unfortunately now I will know how to handle it.
So tonight after my father visited her for awhile and left to let her sleep, the hospital called and said that she wasnt doing well i.e "crashing" and that they were taking her to where??? exactly.....ICU!!!! That is where she shouldve been in the first place...........okay, let me calm down and get rational again. Its neither here nor there about yesterday, what matters is from now on. So, they said that her Co2 levels were tripled again, like yesterday, and she was struggling to even sit on a bedpan, so if that continued into tomorrow, she was goin to be ventilated. This will be her 6-7th time in 4-5 yrs on the vent. She has beat it everytime. I am afraid that her body will quit "beating it" after so many times on it, plus you add pneumonia on top of it, that opens a whole new can of worms!!! Pardon the analogy, couldnt think of anything else.
Where this post was going, promise it had a point, somewhere, I think....lol. Oh yea, me and my hubby had a fight earlier before he went to work, about something very very trivial but because we are sooo super stressed, these little fights turn into very big ones all the time. And with us, we compete with each other and it ends up like " well you did it the other day, so why cant I do it today"? Not good!!! But just losing Jaxon 6 wks ago, will kinda turn your marriage in an uproar, just a bit. Ya know????
It doesnt leave time for anything or anyone else so to speak. We barely have time for each other because our daughters are coming first throughout this whole process no matter what!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It makes you realize who is there for you and who is not. Family and friends unfortunately have to take a very big back seat and back burner because there just isnt room in the front where they used to be....and even tho u still want them there. It an unfortunate situation, yes, but its an even bigger one for the one thats going thru it. I am sure its very frustrating for you (the friend, the family member, cousin, neighbor etc) to know what to say, what not to say, what to do or not to do, or even when to do it. I never understood the phrase, "just be there when I need you". I always thought, well, now, thats just selfish. Isnt that kinda just waiting until someone needs you? Like beckin call girl? No, not really, you still have your life to lead, it just means that you stand back and check up on your friend, family member or that neighbor and say "hey, just wondering if you need anything"? That is all........literally. Sounds too simple, right?
Its really not. Coming from someone who is goin thru it, I promise that its not. Ive never had a best friend lose a child, or had their mother admitted in ICU, but unfortunately now I will know how to handle it.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
One day at a time?
I am trying to understand what people are suggesting to me during my "grieving" process, but some of them I still just cant get ahold of. Like, "Dont worry, you will be fine in time". or, "At least you have your girls still", or this is my favorite one...."Pretty soon, it will be a distant memory"...yea, someone actually said that to me, I will not reveal who, because I want to assume this person was under the influence of crack, crystal meth or even heroine when they said, why else would someone suggest that to me?
I dont want to sound mean or ungrateful, because I truly believe that some people (probably alot of people) dont know what to say to someone who has lost a child.........I know I didnt. I do know, unfortunately. The best advice anyone has said to me yet is my Aunt Meg; she said this to me about 3-4 days after Jaxon died, she said "Tara, you know what the only good thing about grief is?" I said what? She said, " You cant screw it up"!!!!!!!! She is right, there is no wrong way to grieve, whatever you feel the best way to grieve is the way you should do it. Thats the beauty of it, if there is such a monster.
So basically, I am taking it one day at a time, one minute at a time, one second at time, all of it!!!!!!!!!!! I dont know what I feel from one minute to the next......I feel like my emotions are a roller coaster, literally. I thought PMS was bad?? Shit!!! That is basically a walk in the park..............
until we meet again........................
I dont want to sound mean or ungrateful, because I truly believe that some people (probably alot of people) dont know what to say to someone who has lost a child.........I know I didnt. I do know, unfortunately. The best advice anyone has said to me yet is my Aunt Meg; she said this to me about 3-4 days after Jaxon died, she said "Tara, you know what the only good thing about grief is?" I said what? She said, " You cant screw it up"!!!!!!!! She is right, there is no wrong way to grieve, whatever you feel the best way to grieve is the way you should do it. Thats the beauty of it, if there is such a monster.
So basically, I am taking it one day at a time, one minute at a time, one second at time, all of it!!!!!!!!!!! I dont know what I feel from one minute to the next......I feel like my emotions are a roller coaster, literally. I thought PMS was bad?? Shit!!! That is basically a walk in the park..............
until we meet again........................
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Shock!!!
I can still hear the words like it was yesterday, " Mrs. Ball, Im sorry to tell you, but your son didn't make it". I cannot express the pain that shot thru my heart as I was hitting the floor in the family waiting room at 2:48pm on April 13, 2011.
It was a normal day for me and my family. It started at 5:25am, ( a lil early, but okay). Jaxon got up first, like he always did, but I didnt care, I liked being up with him by myself, it gave us a chance to be by ourselves for a little bit before the other ones got up!! :) Like I said, normal morning, he got up, i got him a bottle (which I was so desperately trying to get him off of, but was failing on.....hindsite is 20/20), and he watched cartoons, yo gabba gabba to be exact, until I was done putting my "face" on. I take back the normal statement. It was a lil crazy that morning, I was running a little behind, but nothing catastrophic in my eyes.
Sorry to be rambling......I then got ready for work and kissed everyone goodbye. I just didnt realize that it would be the last time I would kiss him goodbye.
After I got back from lunch......I got a call from Jon stating that he had quit breathing and that they took him to Beach General. (before he began talking to tell me about what exactly happened, it was like everything was in slow motion, like charlie brown) I am assuming that he said to me that he had gone down for his nap at 9:15 and he checked on him at noon (he was such a great nap taker, so 3-4 hours was very normal for him) and then he went to wake him at 2, his lips and fingertips were blue. CPR was performed but nothing was accomplished at this point, so thats why they took him by ambulance. I could not get there fast enough, like I said, it was like everything was going in slow motion or even pause at this moment in my life. I needed to get to my baby, I dont know if I knew deep down that he wasnt going to make it, or if it was just for the simple fact of being there for him....either way, I could not hurry up fast enough!!!!!!!!!!
This is when it began to fast forward......they told me about 10 mins after getting there that he didnt make it. I had to hear that my 18 month old son died by myself. Jon arrived shortly after, and then we were allowed to see him. OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!......................... that is all I can say about that.
Then came the detective, thank god she was empathetic, for her sake. I was not in the mood, to say the least to talk to anyone, I wanted to hold my son forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We got to hold him (for what seemed like only 5 minutes) and got a lock of his hair, and then it was goodbye........
Ya know the crazy thing that I am grateful for through this whole horrible process? Shock. The human body is so amazing that it puts your brain and body into shock because it knows that you couldnt possibly handle that much hurt at one time, or your heart broken that severe. What a blessing!!!!! If it werent for that, I would not be writing this blog right now, because where I would be, they wouldnt allow any sharp objects for me to have.
Alot of crying, anger, sadness, grief, guilt, regret and every single emotion one can think of has gone through me and my husbands heart since that day. More for my husband because he was there and he felt like was supposed to save him somehow...and the helpless part is, I cant fix that for him, only he can do that for himself in time. And I am sure it will be that way for days and months, oh hell, who am I kidding, for years,!!!!!!
But to be honest, I look at my girls everyday and I thank god I still have them. They are what get me out of bed each and every morning since that horrible afternoon almost 4 weeks ago. Not that they didnt give me reason before, but I think I took for granted that I would always have them by my side. Boy was I mistaken. We are all borrowed on this earth.....
If this blog has taught you anything about life, please let it be this; Cherish your life, your husband,wife, significant other, children, family, friends and loved ones. NOONE IS PROMISED TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Until we meet again.........................
ps....until we meet again doodlebug, mommy loves you!!!!!!!!!!
It was a normal day for me and my family. It started at 5:25am, ( a lil early, but okay). Jaxon got up first, like he always did, but I didnt care, I liked being up with him by myself, it gave us a chance to be by ourselves for a little bit before the other ones got up!! :) Like I said, normal morning, he got up, i got him a bottle (which I was so desperately trying to get him off of, but was failing on.....hindsite is 20/20), and he watched cartoons, yo gabba gabba to be exact, until I was done putting my "face" on. I take back the normal statement. It was a lil crazy that morning, I was running a little behind, but nothing catastrophic in my eyes.
Sorry to be rambling......I then got ready for work and kissed everyone goodbye. I just didnt realize that it would be the last time I would kiss him goodbye.
After I got back from lunch......I got a call from Jon stating that he had quit breathing and that they took him to Beach General. (before he began talking to tell me about what exactly happened, it was like everything was in slow motion, like charlie brown) I am assuming that he said to me that he had gone down for his nap at 9:15 and he checked on him at noon (he was such a great nap taker, so 3-4 hours was very normal for him) and then he went to wake him at 2, his lips and fingertips were blue. CPR was performed but nothing was accomplished at this point, so thats why they took him by ambulance. I could not get there fast enough, like I said, it was like everything was going in slow motion or even pause at this moment in my life. I needed to get to my baby, I dont know if I knew deep down that he wasnt going to make it, or if it was just for the simple fact of being there for him....either way, I could not hurry up fast enough!!!!!!!!!!
This is when it began to fast forward......they told me about 10 mins after getting there that he didnt make it. I had to hear that my 18 month old son died by myself. Jon arrived shortly after, and then we were allowed to see him. OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!......................... that is all I can say about that.
Then came the detective, thank god she was empathetic, for her sake. I was not in the mood, to say the least to talk to anyone, I wanted to hold my son forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We got to hold him (for what seemed like only 5 minutes) and got a lock of his hair, and then it was goodbye........
Ya know the crazy thing that I am grateful for through this whole horrible process? Shock. The human body is so amazing that it puts your brain and body into shock because it knows that you couldnt possibly handle that much hurt at one time, or your heart broken that severe. What a blessing!!!!! If it werent for that, I would not be writing this blog right now, because where I would be, they wouldnt allow any sharp objects for me to have.
Alot of crying, anger, sadness, grief, guilt, regret and every single emotion one can think of has gone through me and my husbands heart since that day. More for my husband because he was there and he felt like was supposed to save him somehow...and the helpless part is, I cant fix that for him, only he can do that for himself in time. And I am sure it will be that way for days and months, oh hell, who am I kidding, for years,!!!!!!
But to be honest, I look at my girls everyday and I thank god I still have them. They are what get me out of bed each and every morning since that horrible afternoon almost 4 weeks ago. Not that they didnt give me reason before, but I think I took for granted that I would always have them by my side. Boy was I mistaken. We are all borrowed on this earth.....
If this blog has taught you anything about life, please let it be this; Cherish your life, your husband,wife, significant other, children, family, friends and loved ones. NOONE IS PROMISED TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Until we meet again.........................
ps....until we meet again doodlebug, mommy loves you!!!!!!!!!!
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