As I was laying down with my girls tonight before they went to sleep, I thought to myself, somethings missing. And it is.....Jaxon's missing. I miss him more than anything in this world. He will never be there for me to tuck in again, or give his glow worm to, put on his pajamas after a bath smelling "Oh so good", etc. But then as my mind wandered away from that, I thought, I am still so blessed to have my girls!! Not that I questioned how fortunate I was before, but it does put things into persective, unfortunately.
I dont think parenting comes with manuals because it would be too painful to read about "what if". ya know?
Taryn and Haiden made Jaxon memory boxes the other day. They decorated them with markers, foam stickers, and drew on them the way they wanted to, and then they each put a picture in it that they chose. I was so proud of them, that they wanted to do that for him (well for themselves, in memory of him, but still). I have to remember that they are grieving as well, and its not just about me or my husband, its about them as well. Probably more about them, because they dont understand. I really dont understand either, but I do a little more than them. I think.................
Haiden has let two balloons go in the sky for Jaxon so he could have them, and Taryn often dreams about him putting ravioli in his hair ( which is accurate, if you ever have seen the pictures of him after lunch) so that tells me that they will grieve different because they loved him different. And thats okay. Even if I didnt think it was, its going to have to be, ya know?
So, the point of this blog was to say that I have two girls that love and cherish me and my husband and they still need me. Jaxon is okay, no pain, no boo boo's, no sorrow.
I guess I am done with him, but I am not close to being done for my two princesses.
until we meet again........................
And there is no handbook for grieving... but it seems like you guys are doing a phenomenal job of dealing. I would say that your willingness to talk about it, and not keep it all bottled up inside probably helps you a lot. AndI love that you make it so easy for the girls to talk about. I think it's very healthy for them and for you. Jaxon was real. He lived. He was loved.
ReplyDeleteYou really should write a book... How I Survived type book. Not from a medical, psychological, or professional point of view. But just how one mother and one family did it. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
Amber, thank you again for your complimentary and encouraging words that you give to me!! They help soo much and once again I am reminded why we are friends!!! :) You are one of the sweetest and kindest people I know, and I actually look forward to your comments. (to tell you the truth, if one isnt there, i get sad, lol)
ReplyDeleteU really think I should write a book? I wouldnt even know how to start it? your the one with the degree and know how to write!!! :) Would you give me some pointers?